Articles

A good fit doesn’t mean your therapist is just like you; 
it means they can understand you.

Now and then we get a call from someone asking if any of our therapists, counselors, and coaches have recovered from a specific substance of abuse, or whether we have therapists of a particular race, religion, or sexual orientation. The assumption seems to be that if the they have not walked in the exact same footsteps as the caller, they won’t really be able to understand or help.

Part of being human means that we tend to feel most comfortable around people that seem most like us, and if a person wants a therapist who falls into a specific category in order to feel more comfortable then he/she has that right. After all, for many people, seeing a new helping professional is already an uncomfortable experience. It means sharing some of our most deeply personal challenges with a stranger. So it’s not surprising that people want to choose to work with someone who seems similar to them.

What people may need for therapy to work, however, is not necessarily someone who is similar to them. What they more likely need is a helping professional willing to understand them without judging them, and one who has had experience working with many different people facing many different issues.

To their credit most helping professionals come into the field ready to help people regardless of their background or their particular way of being in this world. We live in a world in which there are black people, white people, Asians, Mexicans, gay people, straight people, Christians, Jews, Muslims, atheists, conservatives, liberals, and many other groups. And none of these groups are immune to personal and relationship struggles. Again, it is understandable that people are more comfortable with people they perceive to be more like themselves. But it is still hard for me to understand why anyone would become a helping professional when he/she is unable or unwilling to work with the variety of people in the community.

At the Marriage and Family Center, we are careful to pre-screen any qualified professional who want to practice with us. We make sure they have had experience with, and will be intelligent and respectful when counseling people of varying backgrounds. That way, if you have religious or other beliefs or practices that are part of your identity, your therapist, counselor, or coach will accept those beliefs as important to you and not try to change you.

Recently someone calling about possibly getting couples counseling at the Marriage and Family Center asked about our readiness to work with gay couples—stating that they had been told by a therapist across town that they did not feel “qualified” to work with gay people. I was sad to hear that. Accredited licensing programs should qualify people to work with people of varying sexual orientations, and in my experience, they do. I wonder if the therapist she had previously called was not so much saying they didn’t feel qualified, but if they were really just expressing that they did not feel comfortable working with gay people.

I don’t believe most people need to find a therapist who is just like them.  At the Marriage and Family Center, you can find what you probably really need—a therapist who accepts you for who you are, and work side by side with you on your own goals for a happier, more fulfilled life.  Start now by calling for an appointment.

For some other considerations when choosing a therapist, you may want to read What to Look for In a Counselor or Therapist

You’re discussing something your partner feels strongly about. Suddenly you use that combination of words that makes his/her blood boil. You might have a legitimate point to make, but it’s no good now—the chance your partner will listen and take your point seriously has just dropped to zero. Not because your information is wrong, but because now your partner won’t even look at it. The problem in difficult relationships is not that “he leaves his socks everywhere,” or “she’s constantly complaining,” the problem is how partners manage socks and complaining—it’s what we say and do about it and especially how we say and do it that will often make or break the relationship.

Being more loving means putting things in ways that are less likely to upset your partner. This article starts with a discussion of a few of the words and phrases likely to rile us, along with some suggestions for less volatile replacements. After that, it suggests a way for you and your partner to keep such phrases from pulling you off base.

“Mend your speech a little, lest it may mar your fortunes.”

—William Shakespeare

“You”

As in: You are being so inconsiderate, or You’re making me so mad right now. Telling someone “You are doing this,” or “You are making me feel that” is an accusation, and nobody likes to feel accused; we usually get defensive. If you notice those things going on inside yourself—you’re feeling disregarded, or angry for example—then take responsibility for those feelings by saying “I’m not feeling very considered,” or “I’m feeling really frustrated right now.” Speaking about this a friend said, “My wife got that exactly right after we got married. She said, ‘When I go to bed after you and my side of the bed is not turned down, I start to think maybe you’re mad at me or that you don’t love me.’” My friend told me for the rest of their marriage he turned down her side of the bed first. “Not only that, but for a month I also left a little love note on her pillow.” He and I agreed that if she had tossed some “yous” in there, accusing him of being inconsiderate, it would not have gone so well.

“But”

As in, “That’s a good idea, but…” or “I appreciate it, but…” When we stick our “buts” into something positive we’ve just said, we tend to unsay it. “That’s a good idea, but…” means we don’t really think it’s a good idea. “I appreciate it, but…” means we don’t really appreciate it. It also emphasizes the negative part by putting it last. It’s weird that word order should matter so much, but it does. For example, it feels much better to most people when they hear, “You’re kind of lazy, but I love you,” than it does to hear “I love you, but you’re kind of lazy.” The first sentence leaves most people feeling loved, while the second leaves them feeling unloved and lazy. Instead of negating with a “but,” try augmenting with an “and.” Instead of “You’re a great partner, but you need to stand up to your mom more,” try, “You’re a great partner and I’d love to see you stand up to your mother on this.”

Dismissing words and phrases

As in: “That’s ridiculous” or “That’s B.S.” or “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard.” When someone uses one of these phrases I instantly know they are not only dismissing my idea without looking at any of it’s potential merits, I also feel like they are dismissing me. I suddenly feel insulted and want to defend my sensibility, credibility, or sanity.  Instead of dismissing your partner’s idea when you find yourself disagreeing with it, work hard to look at the merits of it from his or her point of view. List them aloud, and explain why you think those merits are important to him/her. And before you give your concerns about it—if it’s important for you to do so—be careful not to stick that dreaded “but” into the sentence. Give your partner full credit for having a brain in this way, and he/she will much more likely hear your opinions about the subject.

“Why”

As in, “Why are you late?” or “Why didn’t you text me back?” You may simply want information, but asking a Why is usually not a good way to get it. When asked “why” we often feel defensive and try to justify ourselves. Instead of “why,” consider either looking for more information with a “what,” or making a neutral guess about things. For example, instead of “Why are you late?” simply ask, “What happened?” I mean, you don’t know. They may have been mugged or passed a kidney stone on the way home. Instead of “Why didn’t you text me back?” make a neutral guess like, “Did you get swamped after I texted you?”

“If you really loved me you would…”

“ …you would take me on a vacation. …let me get a dog. …have sex with me more often,” and on and on. Feeling unloved because your partner is not doing what you want is a “you problem,” not a “him/her” problem, and confusing that creates tension. If you are truly not getting the love you want, then that needs to be addressed. But it’s not going to get better by accusing him/her of being unloving when he/she doesn’t comply. Whenever you feel tempted to use this phrase, take it as a signal that you might benefit not only from (1) learning to more effectively get your love needs met, and (2) learning to feel more comfortable in a world (and a relationship) in which others do what they want to do, not what you want them to do.

“Why do you always have to…?” or “Why can’t you ever… ?”

As in “Why do yo always have to interrupt me?” or “Why can’t you ever pick your socks up?” Not only do these phrases use the dreaded “You” and the defensiveness-provoking “Why” already discussed, the use of absolutes like “always” and “never” are great ways to raise the hackles. When our partner uses these terms we immediately look for the one exception. Suddenly we’re not talking about her frustration at having been interrupted; now we’re talking about whether the statement is always completely true or not. One idea for replacing absolutes is to fess up to your own feelings at the moment using “I statements.” I statements also help you avoid making accusations. “I felt kind of dismissed and disrespected when you cut me off just now,” or even better, “I will feel much more respected in this conversation if I can finish my sentences” Regarding the socks on the floor example, how about turning a “but” to your advantage? “I know it doesn’t bother you much to have socks lying on the floor, but when you pick them up and they’re not there in the morning I know you’re thinking about me, and I feel loved.”

Unflattering comparisons

As in “Why can’t you be more like my mother and make me breakfast every day?” or “You know, all my previous boyfriends bought me dinner at least once a week.” What is our purpose for telling someone they don’t measure up to someone else in some respect or another? It’s insulting and shaming. When we do this we are actually saying, “Other people are like that. What’s the matter with you?” The solution? Take personal responsibility for your needs. Train yourself not to push your dissatisfaction onto your partner. The reason you are unhappy about something in your relationship is not because your partner is different from someone else. Once again, you yourself are responsible for getting your needs met in your relationship. Your partner is there to help you, but it’s your job. If you haven’t figured out how, get creative. Get some ideas from books, professionals, brainstorm, even ask your partner for help solving your problem. But allow it to be your problem to solve and find a solution that brings you closer together—not insults that push you apart.

Blaming

Saying “This is your fault” or worse, “This is all your fault” is obvious blaming, but more subtle blame can be behind, “We need to talk.” If it feels like blaming, the assumption may be that you are really wanting to say, “We need to talk because you’re doing something that is bothering me. Sit down here and let me spell out how flawed you are.” You may have no such intention, but if you have a habit of unintentionally blaming your partner for your unhappiness, then (1) without intending to you may be subtly conveying that message, and (2) your partner is probably sensitized to it and expecting the blame even when it isn’t there. As with some of the other fighting words above, blaming comes from the belief that your happiness depends on the people around you doing what you want them to do. It doesn’t. It depends on you choosing to do things that help you be happy—including choosing to interact happily with positive and loving people.

What to do if you notice yourself using one or more of these “fighting words.”

Make a commitment to stop using words and phrases that just cause conflict.
Share your commitment with your partner and others.
Discuss the specific words and phrases you want to stop using. Accept your partner’s ideas too.
Bite your tongue before the words are said.
Stop yourself at any point in saying them.
Refuse to make excuses for saying harmful things—if it hurts the relationship, it’s still wrong: even if your partner did something wrong first.
Apologize immediately and back off your point—you’ll have to make it at another time because you’ve already spoiled the moment
Recommit to yourself and your partner to stop the harmful speech.

What to do when your partner uses “fighting words.”

Seek a commitment from your partner to stop using words and phrases that cause conflict
Share with him/her the above steps
Follow the above steps yourself if you or your partner feel you sometimes use “fighting words.”
Say, “When you use that kind of phrase my emotions get riled up and I can’t talk reasonably about the subject anymore. Let’s talk about something else for a while and then we can come back to this.”
Stay present and connected to your partner, just talk about something nice or neutral for a while.
Offer sincere apologies if you were even a little harsh or escalated.
Accept your partner’s apologies and recommitment to stopping fighting words.

For more ideas about reducing arguments, Read this>>

You may be asking yourself, “How do I find a California therapist or helping professional who can actually help me?” It’s an important question. After all, what have you lost if you to choose the wrong therapist? How much time will you waste that could have been spent making progress? Fortunately, a brief conversation before you and your prospective therapist meet, and then some careful observations once you select one, can help you feel confident with your choice.

Before You Meet

Speak with your helping professional or their office before you schedule an appointment. Ask how much experience the therapist has working with people facing issues similar to yours (experience, for example, providing couples counseling if you’re a couple, seeing teens if you’re a teen (or parenting one), or working with children if you want therapy for your child). Your therapist should have had at least several years of experience working with people that are likely to face issues similar to yours.

If you briefly explain your situation and ask the therapist how they would proceed, they should make mention of conducting a thorough assessment to determine ALL the relevant social, environmental, and background factors. They should then talk about creating a treatment plan that will address the most critical issues identified during the assessment.

Next find out if the therapist has met the requirements for licensing. This can be done for a California counselor, therapist, or coach by visiting this California Board of Behavioral Sciences website. Literally anyone can go to a brief training (or sleep through it) and call themselves a coach or, in some states, even a counselor. By choosing a helping professional who has been licensed, you can be sure they have met all the requirements the state knows are needed before a therapist can be helpful.

But even being very careful ahead of time, you will still want to use your first session or two to learn even more about the therapist you have chosen.

Your First Few Sessions

During your first few sessions you will be able to get more evidence that you have chosen someone who is likely to be able to help you. Here are some tell-tale signs of a good therapist:

First Two Session

During your first two sessions a good therapist will:

✓ Explain the process—what you can expect from the therapist, and what the therapist expects of you.
✓ Help you to feel comfortable and welcome.
✓ Begin an assessment—that is, ask a lot of questions about you and your situation (family, history, etc.) and the issue you want help with.
✓ Try to understand and know you as an individual—asks questions that will clarify the details and your feelings about your situation.

By the Third Session

✓ You should feel comfortable with your helping professional by the third session. Most people don’t feel comfortable with everyone. It’s possible that your therapist has mannerisms that annoy you or that remind you of someone else. If you are unable to feel comfortable with your therapist by the third session, and you cannot talk with him/her about it, consider changing therapists.
✓ By this time you should know the plan that you and your therapist will be following in order to help you. The plan should make sense and include steps you have, by this time in therapy, already begun working on or talking about.

Every Session

✓ Demonstrates good listening through eye contact, nodding, and responding back to you about what you’ve said.
✓ Follows up on what was discussed or worked on in the last session.
✓ Keeps the session focused on the real problem or progress toward your goals.
✓ Gives you something to work on or read or think about before the next session.

Bottom Line

In addition to having been licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, the right therapist for you will be one who is able to create a good relationship AND focus on your issues in a helpful way. You should feel like your therapist both cares about you as a person, and levels with you as a professional. Therapy work can be emotionally difficult.  It helps to do that work with someone you trust to know what they’re doing and someone who cares about you.

Will couples counseling help? There are ways to tell.

Behavioral science now knows some of the predictors for a positive outcome in marriage or couples counseling, marriage therapy, or relationship coaching. For most couples a positive outcome means that they make their relationship considerably better—they reduce the number or severity of arguments, for example, or they start wanting to spend more time together. But not everyone who seeks marriage or relationship counseling agrees. Some people who see a relationship expert have no intention of working things out. You may wonder why they would even bother. There are legitimate reasons. For example, even though they know they’re headed for a separation or divorce, people want professional support through the breakup, to ease the transition, or to provide extra support to a partner or to children who they fear will be hurt by the breakup.

Social Pressure sometimes “causes” couples counseling.

Our society puts certain expectations on couples—especially married couples. Because of this, people who have already decided to leave their partner sometimes come to counseling to satisfy their friends and family that they did everything possible to make it work. Such people often seek counseling, either alone or with their partner, to—in a sense—get the therapist’s “blessing” on their pending break up, so they can walk away knowing they did everything they could to save the relationship.

Is there a possible positive outcome in such cases?

A positive outcome when one of the partners wants to end the relationship can occur in one of two ways: first, during therapy one of the partners can shift in his/her thinking about the possibilities for the relationship; or second, a third alternative is developed—an alternative that involves something different, but workable for both partners.

"Are there ways to predict the chances of success 
when one partner has given up on the relationship?"

Even though the outcome of marriage counseling can’t be predicted with certainty no matter what the circumstances, there are some things that can increase the likelihood of couples counseling leading to a higher level of bliss.

1. The amount of time it’s been since partners felt loving feelings toward one another.When a couple sees the therapist right after noticing their loving feelings wane—such as within a few months—it is highly likely that the couple can get back to those recent good feelings. On the other hand, if it has been many years since those loving feelings came into the relationship, the journey can be longer and more difficult, and a positive outcome less certain.
2. A willingness and ability to work through hard times. Relationship improvement is very hard work, and along the way couples have to face some of the hardest things they’ve ever faced. In many cases the real problem is something that one or both partners have been unintentionally working hard not to face. Facing those things is not easy, and because change is hard, usually things have to seem even a bit worse before they can get better. Couples who are willing to face the hardships of change–sometimes extreme hardships–usually have better outcomes than couples not willing.
3. A willingness to change yourself first. Partners often feel like their partner has to change first in order for the relationship to improve. Think about it. If your partner has to change first, and if in his/her mind YOU have to change first, what’s the likelihood that either of you will change? A relationship is like a ballroom dance. The truth is, when you yourself start dancing significantly differently, your partner will have to adapt. It doesn’t even make sense to think in terms of your partner adapting to a change you haven’t even made yet. When even one partner comes in–sometimes without their partner ever attending–but that partner is willing to change the way he/she is in the relationship, the relationship almost always improves. When both partners attend and are willing to change, outcomes are even better.

The one sure way to tell whether couples counseling will help your relationship.

There is one way to know for sure whether your situation is one that can be helped by couples counseling.

What is that way? Try it.  Attending couples counseling with an open mind and a qualified relationship therapist is the only way to know for sure whether it can help.

To read about choosing a therapist, click here>>.