Sexually satisfying relationships lead to overall healthier partnerships. But if the fire has gone out or you find a consistently satisfying love-life difficult to maintain, you’re not alone.
Jordan and Sam hadn’t been comfortable discussing or initiating intimacy for almost a year.
“You never touch me anymore!” Jordan would start.
“You yell at me all day and still expect me to want you?” Sam usually replied.
“Maybe if I felt wanted, I wouldn’t be so angry!”
“Maybe if you weren’t so angry all the time, I’d be interested.”
Jordan and Sam had a version of this same conversation at least once a week. Jordan felt ignored and unwanted. Sam felt attacked and turned off. Neither one knew what to do about the situation, and their conversations just left them feeling stuck and distant.
Jordan and Sam are not real people, but scenes like this are too common. When couples fail to connect sexually, it can worsen other relationship issues, and other relationship issues can make it difficult to have a fulfilling connection. This cycle has been seen in a lot of research, but many couples are able to stop the cycle and get back on the track in the bedroom.
Nurturing a mutually satisfying physical connection with one’s partner can bring couples closer, reduce tension between partners, and reaffirm each other’s commitment to the relationship. But sometimes, like in Sam and Jordan’s case, knowing where to start interrupting the cycle can be the hardest part. Satisfying sexual intimacy depends on mutual respect and consistent effort. Along with possibly seeking help from a licensed professional, consider the following four keys to help create or resurrect a sexually satisfying relationship.
Key Number 1: Communication
It’s almost cliché to talk about when considering relationships, but let’s face it — it’s very hard to get needs met when every serious conversation either blows up into a big fight or shuts down and goes nowhere. This can be very frustrating and is a frequent reason why couples contact a relationship professional. Poor communication can disrupt a couple’s sexual connection or any other aspect of the relationship.
If communication problems are at the heart of your sexual disconnect or other issues in your relationship, you are not likely to make much lasting progress in the bedroom. If this is you, stop reading this and let your partner know you think the two of you could benefit from counseling. Tell them you would like to set an appointment for next week or a few days from now, and that you would really like their support in working through your communication issues.
If your serious discussions do not usually blow up or shut down, then you both might just need to open up more about what you would like sexually—about what you’re comfortable with, and what you would enjoy. You might be surprised how happy your partner will be to agree to your suggestions. You might need to keep asking for it until it becomes an expected part of your mating dance, but that’s normal and expected.
Key Number 2: Mental/Physical Health
Illness makes feeling in the mood difficult. When you don’t feel emotionally or physically healthy, nothing sounds good. Often you just want to be left alone. Or you just want to sleep or lay around doing nothing. Until health issues are dealt with – or at least stabilized if they’re chronic – you probably can’t expect miracles. On the bright side, taking the time to care for an ailing partner demonstrates dedication and can often help rekindle romance once the health issue is off the table.
Key Number 3: Setting the Mood Often
Most people have a list of minimum requirements to get and stay in the mood – some examples might be a certain level of privacy, being reasonably free from pain, self and partner have a certain level of cleanliness, and having available energy. Having regular, fulfilling sex means working toward meeting your and your partner’s minimum requirements at least as often as you want to have sex – maybe even more often because even with the best planning, sometimes there is an interruption, and you might have to try again later.
Key Number 4: Patient Persistence
(keep trying, don’t give up, keep talking with each other, get help if you need it)
This may not sound like fairytale romance, but more often than not fulfilling intimacy requires consistent effort. Don’t get discouraged if attempts to engage with your partner fall through. Just like new partners need time to learn each other’s rhythms, reinvigorating a stagnant love-life after a lull also takes some trial and error. Keep communicating about your needs and desires, initiate as often as needed, and expect occasional road bumps along the way. If necessary, a qualified relationship counselor can help couples navigate these sensitive issues. With ongoing effort and communication over time, many partners can develop a physical relationship that works for them.