Productive couple communication can help alleviate conflict and foster closer, healthier relationships. Over the course of this three-part series on couple communication, partners and individuals can learn to productively engage with difficult topics. First of all, couples often benefit from setting the stage for positively sharing thoughts and working through concerns. Consider the following scenario:
“Are you even listening to me?” Jamie demanded.
“Can we do this later? I’m bushed,” Taylor responded, eyes on the TV searching for a new show to stream.
“We need to talk about this stuff!”
“Fine! What is it?”
“Never mind, you’re not paying attention anyway. I don’t know why I even try to talk to you anymore.”
When Taylor got home after a long day at work, the only thing that sounded appealing was plopping on the couch and zoning out to the TV. But more often than not, Jamie wanted to immediately bring up a list of complaints, concerns, and conflicts that had come up through the day. Despite both wanting to work on their relationship, their communication generally broke down before it had a chance to get started.
Without productive communication between partners, important conversations may get put off and/or break down into a fight. But by starting conversations off on the right foot, couple communication can begin to improve. Effective discussions may take some forethought and preparation. To get started, the following five steps can help get things going in a positive direction. Bottom of Form
Check Your Own Mood, State of Mind, and Energy LevelThis one is particularly important. When we feel tired, irritable, or otherwise distracted, that can make positive communication very difficult. Feeling well is especially crucial when couples need to discuss difficult subjects. Before beginning a conversation with your partner, ask yourself how you’re feeling, and give yourself time to cool off or rest if you need to.
- Pick a Good Time
Choose a time that works well for each individual partner, making sure you have enough time to devote to talking together. Effective communication is not likely to happen if one or both of you needs to rush out the door. Likewise, folks often need time to wind down after a long day of work before launching into tense issues, so planning to talk right when you or your partner gets home might not work for many couples. Try to identify when you and your partner are both at your best together. Planning a regular (or one-off) meeting at an agreed-upon time generally works well for busy partners. For more spontaneous personalities, frequently suggesting conversations at convenient times might work better. Either way, bringing up important conversations at a good time will help facilitate better couple communication.
- Ask for a Conversation
Briefly address the need for a specific conversation with your partner. You might say something as simple as, “I have some stuff I want to talk through with you. Is now a good time?” Introducing the idea respectfully and non-confrontationally helps both parties stay neutral and willing to contribute. If your partner isn’t up to talk right then, ask for a specific time that works better so the two of you can come back to the subject soon.
This is not the time to launch into the specific issues you wish to discuss. You don’t want your partner to feel overwhelmed or attacked before the conversation begins. Express your desire to connect with and understand your partner’s perspective. By framing the conversation in a positive context, couple communication starts off on the right foot.
- Set Reasonable Expectations
Make your needs and boundaries clear. If previous conversations have devolved into shouting, name-calling, or belittling, commit to avoiding that type of behavior and ask your partner to do so too. For example, you might tell your partner, “I know we sometimes get frustrated about these issues, but I’m hoping we can have a calm conversation and really listen to each other.”
In order to keep the talk focused, decide what you hope to get out of the conversation, such as expressing a need or resolving a specific conflict. You might even write a list of topics to reference during your discussion. Let your partner know what you hope to accomplish together and ask for their input as well.
- Be Considerate Around Touchy Subjects
Partnerships, marriages, and families usually know each other’s most personal and sensitive details. Consider whether the topic you need to discuss has any specific emotional impact for one or both partners. Especially take note of any psychological triggers or trauma that may exist around tender topics such as abuse, finances, medical conditions, and so on. Consider how to address these issues with care and sensitivity.
Recruit a Referee
Many partners have been able to achieve more effective communication using the strategies in this series, even after fighting or bottling up their feelings for months or years. If while reading these steps you felt that the strategies might not work for you, you’re not alone. Often a third-party mediator can help couples find the sticking points in their communication style and offer a buffer to help keep talks more positive. Couples who find their conversations frequently going off the rails might consider contacting an experienced relationship professional for help.