Will couples counseling help? There are ways to tell.
Behavioral science now knows some of the predictors for a positive outcome in marriage or couples counseling, marriage therapy, or relationship coaching. For most couples a positive outcome means that they make their relationship considerably better—they reduce the number or severity of arguments, for example, or they start wanting to spend more time together. But not everyone who seeks marriage or relationship counseling agrees. Some people who see a relationship expert have no intention of working things out. You may wonder why they would even bother. There are legitimate reasons. For example, even though they know they’re headed for a separation or divorce, people want professional support through the breakup, to ease the transition, or to provide extra support to a partner or to children who they fear will be hurt by the breakup.
Social Pressure sometimes “causes” couples counseling.
Our society puts certain expectations on couples—especially married couples. Because of this, people who have already decided to leave their partner sometimes come to counseling to satisfy their friends and family that they did everything possible to make it work. Such people often seek counseling, either alone or with their partner, to—in a sense—get the therapist’s “blessing” on their pending break up, so they can walk away knowing they did everything they could to save the relationship.
Is there a possible positive outcome in such cases?
A positive outcome when one of the partners wants to end the relationship can occur in one of two ways: first, during therapy one of the partners can shift in his/her thinking about the possibilities for the relationship; or second, a third alternative is developed—an alternative that involves something different, but workable for both partners.
"Are there ways to predict the chances of success when one partner has given up on the relationship?"
Even though the outcome of marriage counseling can’t be predicted with certainty no matter what the circumstances, there are some things that can increase the likelihood of couples counseling leading to a higher level of bliss.
- The amount of time it’s been since partners felt loving feelings toward one another.When a couple sees the therapist right after noticing their loving feelings wane—such as within a few months—it is highly likely that the couple can get back to those recent good feelings. On the other hand, if it has been many years since those loving feelings came into the relationship, the journey can be longer and more difficult, and a positive outcome less certain.
- A willingness and ability to work through hard times. Relationship improvement is very hard work, and along the way couples have to face some of the hardest things they’ve ever faced. In many cases the real problem is something that one or both partners have been unintentionally working hard not to face. Facing those things is not easy, and because change is hard, usually things have to seem even a bit worse before they can get better. Couples who are willing to face the hardships of change–sometimes extreme hardships–usually have better outcomes than couples not willing.
- A willingness to change yourself first. Partners often feel like their partner has to change first in order for the relationship to improve. Think about it. If your partner has to change first, and if in his/her mind YOU have to change first, what’s the likelihood that either of you will change? A relationship is like a ballroom dance. The truth is, when you yourself start dancing significantly differently, your partner will have to adapt. It doesn’t even make sense to think in terms of your partner adapting to a change you haven’t even made yet. When even one partner comes in–sometimes without their partner ever attending–but that partner is willing to change the way he/she is in the relationship, the relationship almost always improves. When both partners attend and are willing to change, outcomes are even better.
The one sure way to tell whether couples counseling will help your relationship.
There is one way to know for sure whether your situation is one that can be helped by couples counseling.
What is that way? Try it. Attending couples counseling with an open mind and a qualified relationship therapist is the only way to know for sure whether it can help.
To read about choosing a therapist, click here>>.