A relationship can be hurt or strengthened by a challenge. Open communication and a willingness to confront the hard things, makes the difference.
I was recently talking with Romeo, the morning, DJ on 94.9 ksvi FM (Yes, radio still exists!) and we discussed a situation that might strain even the healthiest relationship. Ultimately we were talking about trust. The conversation helped us drill down on what fundamentally makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy when things come along to stress a partner or the relationship.
Imagine Blair. Let’s say Blair’s been married for a little over two years to an intelligent, attractive, and energetic partner named Lindsay. One day while Lindsay is working, Lindsay’s equally attractive friend Jamie comes over while Blair is home alone. Jamie wants to look at a chest of drawers Lindsay is selling. Blair lets Jaime in, and after measuring it, Jamie finds out that it’s too long to fit in the space for it, but instead of thanking Blair and heading home, Jamie walks into the living room. Out of politeness Blair follows, and they sit down. Topics go from the weather to problems in Jamie’s significant relationship, and Blair starts to feel a bit uncomfortable thinking, “If Lindsay walked in right now and saw Jamie having this personal conversation with me, what kind of thoughts and feelings would Lindsay probably have?”
After a polite minute Blair stands up and walks Jamie to the door. Jamie smiles and thanks Blair, and there is an awkward pause before Jamie finally leaves. Blair immediately feels relieved Jamie’s gone, and also wonders, “Have I maybe done something wrong here?”
How would an unhealthy relationship handle this, and how would a healthy one handle it?
Let’s start with an UNhealthy relationship.
In an unhealthy relationship, Blair would probably worry how Lindsay might react and never mention the incident. If at some point Lindsay found out about Jamie’s visit, Blair would probably want to avoid conflict so much that Blair would completely downplay the discomfort of the interaction. Lindsay might sense that Blair was hiding something, and distrust would grow like mildew in their relationship. What’s more, unconfronted, this situation with Jamie is likely to reoccur, with Jamie feeling like Blair is in on it—which you could really say is true since Blair kept the uncomfortable parts of the interaction from Lindsay. Jamie is likely to come up with another reason to get Blair alone.
Now let’s see how it might be handled in a healthy relationship.
If Blair and Lindsay had a healthy relationship, Blair would bring the whole thing up to Lindsay as soon as possible. If Lindsay can take calls at work, Blair would call right away and recount the whole uncomfortable interaction. Lindsay would probably be upset, and some of that upset might even come out at Blair. But if this were a healthy relationship, Blair wouldn’t take it personally. I mean think about it—Lindsay’s friend just very likely came on to Lindsay’s partner. Blair would EXPECT Lindsay to be upset! They would talk about it some more that evening, and Blair would agree that if Jaime came by again while Lindsay wasn’t there, Blair would just talk with Jaime at the door and not invite Jaime in. Blaire might also say something like, “And even though it’s never come up, if a neighbor came by that I might be attracted to, I’ll do the same thing.”
Confrontation is only a bad thing in a relationship that needs help.
In a healthy relationship, Blair and Lindsay could confront these events and their upsetting feelings. They could confront their friends, themselves, and yes, even each other without things shutting down or spinning out of control.
Healthy relationships are not problem-free. Healthy relationships allow partners to face problems head-on and not try to sweep them under the rug or ignore them hoping they’ll go away.
We hope you, reader, will be willing and able to look at your own relationship when it comes to trust and openness, and if it needs help, get it the help it needs.