The Inner Partner

As a younger man I didn’t read all the time. I kept in shape and had fun by playing quite a bit of tennis. That’s why when someone handed me a book called The Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey,* I gobbled it up. It turned out that the book was really about life—it just used tennis as a medium to teach some tools we can all use to improve whatever it is we want to work on.

Including, for some of us, our relationships.

A central teaching presented in The Inner Game of Tennis was the idea of not wasting a perfectly good learning moment. The same is true in a relationship. When something “bad” or unexpected happens between you and your partner, what do you tend to do with that very next moment?

As a young tennis player I would often blow a serve and react to that error by scrunching up my face, shaking my fist, and aloud or silently cursing myself for the rotten serve.

The Inner Game of Tennis taught me instead, to get immediately curious about what just happened. If I would spend the same amount of time and energy that went into cursing myself (or my luck or my doubles partner)—if instead of doing that I would spend that moment calmly and curiously thinking about what just happened, I could figure out where my weight was balanced (too far forward was usually my problem) or how I tossed the ball in preparation for the serve (I tended to toss it high and a bit in front of me) or how I followed through (or didn’t) with my swing.

Too often we focus on all the wrong things when something goes south—including when it goes south in our relationships. Right in that moment when I could have considered things like my timing in bringing up a subject, or my choice of words, or my tone of voice; I instead focus on how hurt I am, or how unfair, unreasonable, or unkind my partner was.

I challenge us both—me writing this and you reading it—to be better stewards of that precious moment when we get barked at or shut down or otherwise get a less-than loving response from our partner. We can feel hurt, unfairly treated, or think about how we can defend or explain ourselves if we want to. We have the freedom to do that. But how much more valuable could that moment be if instead we reflected on what just happened? How much could we possibly learn instead by non-judgmentally thinking about all the things that just lead up to that uncomfortable moment?

Doing this won’t come easily or automatically. Thinking habits are habits too, and they can be hard to change.

But we can start. And if we want to we can continue. And in so doing we can progress toward being a better learner and gradually becoming a more practiced inner partner.

What I’m going to do now is share this with my wife right now. What will your next step be?

*Timothy Gallway subsequently wrote The Inner Game of Golf, The Inner Game of Music (with Barry Green), Inner Skiing and The Inner Game of Work.

Michael Bean is the owner and founder of Marriage and family center. You can read more about him and his practice here >>