Productive couple communication can help alleviate conflict and foster closer, healthier relationships. Over the course of this three-part series on couple communication, partners and individuals can learn to productively engage with difficult topics. One thing you have the some control over when you two converse is your attitude. Checking your attitude prior to and during the discussion can help you get past difficult moments: but even better, it can keep trouble from starting.
Frustrating Encounter
Kim was not looking forward to having to talk with Lee about some things that needed changing. Every time Kim looked at the clock and saw how much closer it was to time for Lee to come home, Kim’s muscles tightened a bit more. It seems like every time we talk I get interrupted, dismissed, even disrespected and I know it’s going to be too much for me to handle.
It’s natural for us to want to mentally prepare ourselves for a frustrating encounter. We don’t like disappointment. But there’s not much difference between preparing ourselves for an unpleasant experience and paving the way for one.
Think of it this way: Let’s say you have to give an important presentation. Do you think you would be more likely to give a good presentation if just before it started you told yourself, “You’ve got this. You’ve practiced and prepared and know all the talking points inside and out. Take a deep breath and remember to stay focused. You’ve totally got this.”? Or do you think things would go better if just before you started you told yourself, “This is totally going to bomb. You’re going to be asked questions you’re not prepared for, and because these people don’t respect you they’re going to be rude and dismissive.”?
Thinking your way outside the box
Just like it would help to get yourself in a good mental place to give a presentation, it also helps to, instead of psyching yourself out, to psych yourself up for a helpful discussion with your partner.
Remind yourself that you can handle it. Think about a positive interaction you’ve had in the past. Mentally (or physically) list the reasons your relationship is worth it, and tell yourself that learning to talk and listen respectfully is a process that hundreds of couples have learned.
Having a positive attitude prior to talking is not like a magic wand: it won’t instantly undo years of bad communication habits. Creating new, better habits takes a lot of time and effort. And it sometimes takes professional help.
But every legitimate attempt to move toward peace counts.
You’ve totally got this.
*Michael Bean, LMFT is the founder and principal licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach at Marriage and Family Center