The Understanding Check
Healthy communication between partners can help reduce conflict and promote stronger relationships. During our three-part series on overcoming couple communication problems, both couples and individuals can discover strategies to help them engage positively with their partner — even on the tough subjects. While, the first article discussed how to positively frame a conversation, in part two we will focus on another key aspect of effective communication: listening and understanding between partners.
A Couple Communication Crash
Ang was talking with a friend about how frustrating relationships would get. “We’ll be talking, and MJ will totally miss my point. Suddenly we’re practically yelling at each other over something I don’t remember anyone said. It takes forever to get calmed down and back on track. I wish there were some way we could talk and listen to each other without taking so many of these useless sidetracks!”
How many times are we in the middle of a discussion with someone when we realize they completely misunderstood our point? Or have someone else get frustrated because we are reacting to something they didn’t mean? If you’re like most people, this kind of communication misstep happens all the time. Conversations like that can feel frustrating and out of control— like skidding on a patch of ice while driving. You may try to apply the brakes but still find yourself heading straight toward a wreck. Fortunately, regularly checking your understanding and asking your discussion partner to do so too can head off a lot of these conversation accidents.
Making an Understanding Check
An understanding check is exactly what it sounds like: a way to confirm that partners really hear the intended meaning behind their partner’s words. Understanding checks help partners get on the same page. They can help each partner feel that their concerns are being listened to and considered, which promotes more positive and productive communication. Meanwhile, understanding checks can also help keep conversations from escalating into a conflict over a simple misunderstanding.
There are many different ways to phrase an understanding check, but the basic structure goes:
- Express a desire to understand, and willingness to be corrected. For example: “Let me know if I’m getting this right…” or “What I’m hearing you say is…”
- In your own words, rephrase what you think your partner is trying to communicate.
- Ask for feedback. For example: “Does that sound right?”
To explore how an understanding check can work in action, consider an example from a couple we’ll refer to as P and H. They frequently disagreed about household cleaning, until they decided to sit down and make a chore chart. The conversation that led to that solution went something like this:
P: I need help around here!
H: I mean, I know I should be doing more, but by the time I get home from work, I’m tired, and I don’t want to think about housework. I will help if you ask me to, though.
P: You’re not the only one with a job, you know. Keeping up on the house after work is exhausting for me too!
H: Even though I help you with the chores when you tell me what you need?
P: If I have to ask you for everything, it feels like organizing the house is all on me, and you’re just here to help. Like, it’s really my “job.” And I’m sick of having to nag you! You know what a mess looks like!
H: I can tell you’re frustrated. I want to make sure we’re on the same page, so I’m going to try to do the “Understanding Check” thing we learned about. What I’m getting is that you need me to help initiate cleaning instead of waiting to be asked. Is that right?
P: Exactly! So that it’s not on me to nag you about stuff, or just do it all myself. Does that make sense? I know we’re both tired. I just want this to be more even.
H: Yeah, we probably need a system to work with, so it’s not left to whoever remembers to clean. Which does usually end up being you because I’m not used to doing it. How about we set up a list together and split it up between us both?
This example could apply to many couples. H thought that waiting to be asked to clean was helpful, but P felt overwhelmed from organizing the housework alone. By practicing understanding checks, they were able to adjust their understanding of their partner’s perspective. P learned that H didn’t consider the housework all P’s responsibility, and H learned that taking initiative helped more than waiting for a specific request.
This technique can take some getting used to if you haven’t used it before. Many couples benefit from explaining the concept of an Understanding Check during a neutral time between conversations so that it doesn’t come as a surprise. By introducing the idea prior to an important sit-down with your partner, you’ll have a better shot at effectively using the Understanding Check to facilitate clear couple communication. Then, the more often partners practice Understanding Checks with each other, the more naturally they’ll fit into the conversation.
Requesting a Check
In addition to regularly checking your own understanding, you may want to ask your partner to check in with you as well. For example, while working out their chore chart, P and H occasionally had to remind each other to check in like so:
H: I hate scrubbing the bathtub. Do we really need to do it every week? No one even sees it if we close the shower curtain.
P: That’s how often I’ve always done it. I think it gets too gross otherwise.
H: But there are a million other things to do, and that takes a lot of time and energy.
P: I don’t want to have to bathe in a week’s worth of dead skin.
H: I think we’re talking around each other here. Can we do that Understanding Check thing again to get on the same page?
P: Fine, I think you’re saying that the bathtub takes too much work to clean it every week. Yes?
H: Kind of, but I also think it doesn’t get very dirty in just one week. But I am also hearing you say that you don’t feel comfortable letting it go longer than that.
P: Right, it doesn’t make sense to wash up in a dirty bathtub. But it really is an annoying job. Would you be okay with switching off, so we’re each doing it every other week?
H: Okay, sure, then it’s getting done weekly, but one of us doesn’t end up with the worst chore every single week.
In this case, P and H both started out by repeatedly arguing their own perspective instead of acknowledging the concerns of their partner. This prompted H to request an understanding check, which helped them both validate each other’s perspectives and start moving toward an agreement. Just like in this example, conversations of all sorts can go much smoother when we help each other feel heard and validated instead of just doubling down on our own point of view.
If you have trouble implementing Understanding Checks, contact a qualified relationship professional.
The next article in this series will discuss ways to peacefully get the relationship back on track once things go south. But remember, the best way to survive an accident is to avoid it. By effectively setting up an opportunity to communicate, and by regularly checking in with each other during your conversations, couple communication problems can be avoided before they start. Stay tuned to learn how to effectively get out-of-control conversations back on track.
