As you get the iced tea from your office mini fridge, your friend and co-worker Ren is still in your office talking on the phone with fiancé, Parker. Ren’s brow is creased, and a slight scowl is starting.
You close the office door, set the tea on the table, and sit down next to Ren, wondering how you can help. You hear Parker’s voice on the other end of the line, sounding impatient and annoyed.
“What do you mean you can’t pick up the supplies?” Parker says. “The party’s tonight, Ren. My boss is coming. This is important.”
“I know, I know, but I have a deadline here at work and I can’t just leave,” Ren says, trying to sound calm. “Can’t we reschedule for another night maybe?”
“No, we can’t. We invited people. They’ve said yes. I can’t just pull the plug on this. You should have told me about this earlier, Ren. You’re always putting your work before… Before everything.”
“That’s not true. This party matters to me, but I also have responsibilities at work. You know how hard it is to get a promotion here. I need this project to go well.”
“So basically you don’t care about my needs here at all, right?” Parker asks, a bit more loudly — more strained.“ You don’t care that I’m stressed out and exhausted. You don’t care that I’m trying to balance everything.”
Now Ren has a disgusted look on their face. “That’s not fair, Parker. You’re being selfish and unreasonable. You’re the one who doesn’t care about me or what I need here. You only care about yourself and your perfect party.”
You hear a click as Parker hangs up on Ren. Ren slams the phone down on the table, and suddenly the wide-eyed look on Ren’s face says it all. “What can I say that will help?” you ask.
“I just need… Nothing.” Ren says, picking up the phone and leaving your office while hiding a tear.
You worry about your friend. You think of how happy Ren and Parker were even a few weeks ago, and you wonder how relationships can go so wrong so fast and whether something can be done about it when it does go wrong.
How To Deal with Anger in Your Relationship
In relationships, anger and resentment sometimes happen—especially in challenging times. While these emotions can be natural and even healthy to some extent, they can become harmful when they persist or intensify, leading to the erosion of love and a lack of connection between partners.
The Strain of Anger and Resentment
It’s only natural to get frustrated, and even angry at times, when our needs, expectations, or boundaries are not met or respected. In fact, these emotions can serve as signals that something is wrong, prompting us to look closer at the problem and work toward a solution.
But when feelings of anger and resentment persist or deepen over time, these feeling can become toxic to our relationships. They create an emotional barrier that keeps us from seeing the loving or thoughtful actions of our partner. We sometimes get so distracted by the flood of negative emotions that we either overlook their positive efforts or we dismiss them as insignificant. This emotional distancing can gradually weaken the bond between partners, eroding the trust and intimacy that are the foundations of a healthy relationship.
The Harmful Effects of Contempt
One very destructive consequence of unresolved anger and resentment is contempt. Renowned relationship researcher John Gottman has extensively studied the impact of contempt on relationships. Contempt is a combination of disdain, anger, and disgust. Beneath contempt is a foundation of superiority and disrespect toward one’s partner.
Gottman’s research has demonstrated that contempt is a powerful predictor of relationship failure. When we harbor contempt, we view our significant other with complete dismissal, belittling their thoughts, feelings, and contributions. Although we convince ourselves that this treatment of them is justified, our toxic contempt mindset fosters an atmosphere of disrespect and hostility, making it nearly impossible to maintain a loving and supportive connection. The target of our contempt often feels devalued, unloved, and emotionally wounded, leading to a further breakdown in communication and an overall decline in relationship satisfaction.
Confronting Anger and Resentment Early
Although feelings of contempt can be addressed and eliminated, recognizing the destructive nature of anger and resentment before they ferment into contempt is usually the best first step toward healing and preserving our relationships. It is crucial to confront these emotions and address the underlying issues fueling them. Open and honest communication, active listening (a skill that can be learned in therapy), and developing an attitude of compassion even during frustrating times, can help create a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and work toward long-term resolution.
In some cases, seeking the guidance of a professional therapist or couples counselor can be immensely beneficial. These trained professionals can provide valuable insights, tools, and techniques to work through difficult emotions, replace harmful patterns of interaction, and facilitate a healthier and more harmonious relationship. Therapy offers a supportive environment where partners can explore their underlying concerns, learn effective communication skills, and rebuild trust.
The Bottom Line
While anger and resentment may initially be natural and even healthy responses in strained relationships, their prolonged presence can undermine the foundation of love and connection between partners. Contempt, in particular, can be devastating—creating a toxic atmosphere of hostility and disrespect. It is essential to confront these emotions head-on and seek resolution before they gradually drive a wedge between partners, emotionally separating them.
Remember, addressing anger and resentment requires courage, empathy, and a willingness to heal. This is very difficult work, but many people say it is among the most important and impactful work they have done in their lifetimes. By proactively engaging in open and honest communication, actively appreciating the loving actions of your significant other, and seeking professional support if needed, people can, and often do, turn around negative interaction patterns and replace them with the loving, positive ones they crave.
Michael Bean, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist is the owner and founder of Marriage and Family Center. You can reach him here.