Jean was furious. “It’s like I can’t ask you for help without getting attitude from you. I want you to help me pick up in here and you give me this list of things you’ve done recently to help. It’s infuriating!” Rene didn’t answer out loud, but inside was thinking, “That’s because you don’t ask. Instead, you always just accuse me of not helping.” Rene stood up and picked up an empty glass from the end table, bent down and picked up a pair of shoes, and left the room without saying a word.
Lockdown was hard anyway, but now they both knew it was going to be even harder because it was going to be another one of those days.
For some, lots of time together can be great for the relationship. Believe it or not, we’ve heard from many couples who have said that the extra time together has brought them closer than they had been for years—or for some, closer than they had ever been. But for other unfortunate couples, all that extra time together can push buttons we never knew we had. If you want to make extra together time better for your relationship, consider some of the ideas below.
A Note on Personalized Help
Before sharing the other ideas, we wanted to lead with this one. If you read these ideas and think, “Those will never work for us,” or “We’re so far beyond where those things will help,” then don’t despair. There might be something more basic beneath the stress that needs to be worked out first—a power struggle, distrust, or a pattern of disrespect for example. If so, consider contacting an experienced relationship professional for some help getting power, trust, and respect on track, and then revisit these ideas.
One: Be a Better Partner
Being a good partner in a relationship is about connecting helpfully around shared needs. Because of the nature of intimate relationships, it becomes a shared need that each partner has their physical, social, and emotional needs met. If one or both partners is deprived, good partners will talk openly with each other, and, without blame, talk about ways partners’ needs can be met. Ideas will be generated, and a plan will be devised—including a plan to implement and track progress on the plan.
Two: Clarify Rules and Be Willing to Be Held Accountable
(Even If Your Partner Doesn’t Seem to Be)
Rules are a way to make sure people feel respected. For example, you may have heard of the concept of a swear jar. The basic idea is that there is a jar in a location accessible to everyone, where you have to put a dollar if you swear (use words some family members find offensive).
Often a family will agree that when they get a certain amount of money in the jar they’ll use it to go out to dinner or to do something else fun together. For the swear jar to work, everyone has to agree on the rules—on what words qualify for the penalty for example, and that offenders will actually put the dollar in the jar and leave it there. If people don’t agree on what the rules are, the jar won’t work.
You may not need a swear jar, but let’s use the swear jar as a model for other rules a relationship might need to put in place. Determining who has to help with what household chores and when is a good example of an area that might need some rules. If I’m the one who always does the laundry, for example, and I get home after a hard day’s work to see a mountain of dirty clothes and you sitting and watching the next episode of that show you’re bingeing, I am likely to feel a bit disrespected. This might be a situation where it could be very helpful to have a rule about doing the laundry before watching TV or other leisure activities.
A swear jar highlights the need in some homes to establish a rule about cussing and to have a way to hold people accountable to each other. You will come up with your own strategies for enforcing the rules you need.
Three: Find Projects to Share
Sharing goals and working together toward them can be a great way to bond. Sometimes when people work side by side on different projects, they feel distant. But by collaborating, partners become teammates who celebrate successes and work through snags together.
Taking up a new hobby or activity offers a change from the day-to-day sameness of quarantine, which has benefits of its own. Then, if we involve loved ones with our interests, we break out of the monotony in our relationships by reorienting around a shared goal.
If adding another project on top of the existing stressors of social distancing seems overwhelming, choose something that relieves some existing stress at the same time. For example, assessing what needs to get done anyway could be a great way to get started. Consider projects like painting a room, organizing the garage, or cooking some new and interesting recipes together. Or try a different approach altogether and pick up a more relaxing activity like crafting or yoga.
Four: Keep Things fun and Interesting
As mentioned above, being cooped up in the house often makes every day look the same. When partners live and work in the same space, sometimes routines aren’t the only things that stagnate. During lockdowns, couples may accidentally neglect their relationship, just by thinking that spending most of their time in the same place counts as quality time. But genuinely investing in the relationship takes more than just living near each other, and that includes sharing fun experiences.
Couples can create opportunities for fun by scheduling a structured “date night,” even if going out isn’t an option. Eat a special meal together, play a card game, or simply have an at-home movie night. Each couple will find different ways to enjoy time together according to their individual interests. The important part is the fun.
What We Need Now, We Need Always
Working to be a good partner, establishing/enforcing rules, sharing interests, and creating fun are all important steps to maintaining healthy relationships at any time. However, when outside stress (like a pandemic, for example) rears its head these things may not come naturally. In fact, as the light begins to appear at the end of the year-long COVID-19 tunnel, now may be the hardest time of all to practice positive relationship building habits. Fortunately, with some concentrated effort, most couples can emerge from lockdown with a closer, happier partnership.