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The Impact of Anger and Disdain on Relationships

As you get the iced tea from your office mini fridge, your friend and co-worker Ren is still in your office talking on the phone with fiancé, Parker. Ren’s brow is creased, and a slight scowl is starting.

You close the office door, set the tea on the table, and sit down next to Ren, wondering how you can help. You hear Parker’s voice on the other end of the line, sounding impatient and annoyed.

“What do you mean you can’t pick up the supplies?” Parker says. “The party’s tonight, Ren. My boss is coming. This is important.”

“I know, I know, but I have a deadline here at work and I can’t just leave,” Ren says, trying to sound calm. “Can’t we reschedule for another night maybe?”

“No, we can’t. We invited people. They’ve said yes. I can’t just pull the plug on this. You should have told me about this earlier, Ren. You’re always putting your work before… Before everything.”

“That’s not true. This party matters to me, but I also have responsibilities at work. You know how hard it is to get a promotion here. I need this project to go well.”

“So basically you don’t care about my needs here at all, right?” Parker asks, a bit more loudly — more strained.“ You don’t care that I’m stressed out and exhausted. You don’t care that I’m trying to balance everything.”

Now Ren has a disgusted look on their face. “That’s not fair, Parker. You’re being selfish and unreasonable. You’re the one who doesn’t care about me or what I need here. You only care about yourself and your perfect party.”

You hear a click as Parker hangs up on Ren. Ren slams the phone down on the table, and suddenly the wide-eyed look on Ren’s face says it all. “What can I say that will help?” you ask.

“I just need… Nothing.” Ren says, picking up the phone and leaving your office while hiding a tear.

You worry about your friend. You think of how happy Ren and Parker were even a few weeks ago, and you wonder how relationships can go so wrong so fast and whether something can be done about it when it does go wrong.

How To Deal with Anger in Your Relationship


In relationships, anger and resentment sometimes happen—especially in challenging times. While these emotions can be natural and even healthy to some extent, they can become harmful when they persist or intensify, leading to the erosion of love and a lack of connection between partners.

The Strain of Anger and Resentment

It’s only natural to get frustrated, and even angry at times, when our needs, expectations, or boundaries are not met or respected. In fact, these emotions can serve as signals that something is wrong, prompting us to look closer at the problem and work toward a solution.

But when feelings of anger and resentment persist or deepen over time, these feeling can become toxic to our relationships. They create an emotional barrier that keeps us from seeing the loving or thoughtful actions of our partner. We sometimes get so distracted by the flood of negative emotions that we either overlook their positive efforts or we dismiss them as insignificant. This emotional distancing can gradually weaken the bond between partners, eroding the trust and intimacy that are the foundations of a healthy relationship.

The Harmful Effects of Contempt

One very destructive consequence of unresolved anger and resentment is contempt. Renowned relationship researcher John Gottman has extensively studied the impact of contempt on relationships. Contempt is a combination of disdain, anger, and disgust. Beneath contempt is a foundation of superiority and disrespect toward one’s partner.

Gottman’s research has demonstrated that contempt is a powerful predictor of relationship failure. When we harbor contempt, we view our significant other with complete dismissal, belittling their thoughts, feelings, and contributions. Although we convince ourselves that this treatment of them is justified, our toxic contempt mindset fosters an atmosphere of disrespect and hostility, making it nearly impossible to maintain a loving and supportive connection. The target of our contempt often feels devalued, unloved, and emotionally wounded, leading to a further breakdown in communication and an overall decline in relationship satisfaction.

Confronting Anger and Resentment Early

Although feelings of contempt can be addressed and eliminated, recognizing the destructive nature of anger and resentment before they ferment into contempt is usually the best first step toward healing and preserving our relationships. It is crucial to confront these emotions and address the underlying issues fueling them. Open and honest communication, active listening (a skill that can be learned in therapy), and developing an attitude of compassion even during frustrating times, can help create a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and work toward long-term resolution.

In some cases, seeking the guidance of a professional therapist or couples counselor can be immensely beneficial. These trained professionals can provide valuable insights, tools, and techniques to work through difficult emotions, replace harmful patterns of interaction, and facilitate a healthier and more harmonious relationship. Therapy offers a supportive environment where partners can explore their underlying concerns, learn effective communication skills, and rebuild trust.

The Bottom Line


While anger and resentment may initially be natural and even healthy responses in strained relationships, their prolonged presence can undermine the foundation of love and connection between partners. Contempt, in particular, can be devastating—creating a toxic atmosphere of hostility and disrespect. It is essential to confront these emotions head-on and seek resolution before they gradually drive a wedge between partners, emotionally separating them.

Remember, addressing anger and resentment requires courage, empathy, and a willingness to heal. This is very difficult work, but many people say it is among the most important and impactful work they have done in their lifetimes. By proactively engaging in open and honest communication, actively appreciating the loving actions of your significant other, and seeking professional support if needed, people can, and often do, turn around negative interaction patterns and replace them with the loving, positive ones they crave.

Michael Bean, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist is the owner and founder of Marriage and Family Center. You can reach him here.

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What Healthy Relationships Look Like: Trust

A relationship can be hurt or strengthened by a challenge. Open communication and a willingness to confront the hard things, makes the difference.

I was recently talking with Romeo, the morning, DJ on 94.9 ksvi FM (Yes, radio still exists!) and we discussed a situation that might strain even the healthiest relationship. Ultimately we were talking about trust. The conversation helped us drill down on what fundamentally makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy when things come along to stress a partner or the relationship.

Imagine Blair. Let’s say Blair’s been married for a little over two years to an intelligent, attractive, and energetic partner named Lindsay. One day while Lindsay is working, Lindsay’s equally attractive friend Jamie comes over while Blair is home alone. Jamie wants to look at a chest of drawers Lindsay is selling. Blair lets Jaime in, and after measuring it, Jamie finds out that it’s too long to fit in the space for it, but instead of thanking Blair and heading home, Jamie walks into the living room. Out of politeness Blair follows, and they sit down. Topics go from the weather to problems in Jamie’s significant relationship, and Blair starts to feel a bit uncomfortable thinking, “If Lindsay walked in right now and saw Jamie having this personal conversation with me, what kind of thoughts and feelings would Lindsay probably have?”

After a polite minute Blair stands up and walks Jamie to the door. Jamie smiles and thanks Blair, and there is an awkward pause before Jamie finally leaves. Blair immediately feels relieved Jamie’s gone, and also wonders, “Have I maybe done something wrong here?”

How would an unhealthy relationship handle this, and how would a healthy one handle it?

Let’s start with an UNhealthy relationship.

In an unhealthy relationship, Blair would probably worry how Lindsay might react and never mention the incident. If at some point Lindsay found out about Jamie’s visit, Blair would probably want to avoid conflict so much that Blair would completely downplay the discomfort of the interaction. Lindsay might sense that Blair was hiding something, and distrust would grow like mildew in their relationship. What’s more, unconfronted, this situation with Jamie is likely to reoccur, with Jamie feeling like Blair is in on it—which you could really say is true since Blair kept the uncomfortable parts of the interaction from Lindsay. Jamie is likely to come up with another reason to get Blair alone.

Now let’s see how it might be handled in a healthy relationship.

If Blair and Lindsay had a healthy relationship, Blair would bring the whole thing up to Lindsay as soon as possible. If Lindsay can take calls at work, Blair would call right away and recount the whole uncomfortable interaction. Lindsay would probably be upset, and some of that upset might even come out at Blair. But if this were a healthy relationship, Blair wouldn’t take it personally. I mean think about it—Lindsay’s friend just very likely came on to Lindsay’s partner. Blair would EXPECT Lindsay to be upset! They would talk about it some more that evening, and Blair would agree that if Jaime came by again while Lindsay wasn’t there, Blair would just talk with Jaime at the door and not invite Jaime in. Blaire might also say something like, “And even though it’s never come up, if a neighbor came by that I might be attracted to, I’ll do the same thing.”

Confrontation is only a bad thing in a relationship that needs help.

In a healthy relationship, Blair and Lindsay could confront these events and their upsetting feelings. They could confront their friends, themselves, and yes, even each other without things shutting down or spinning out of control.

Healthy relationships are not problem-free. Healthy relationships allow partners to face problems head-on and not try to sweep them under the rug or ignore them hoping they’ll go away.

We hope you, reader, will be willing and able to look at your own relationship when it comes to trust and openness, and if it needs help, get it the help it needs.

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Overcoming Couple Communication Problems: Part 3 — Check Your Attitude

Productive couple communication can help alleviate conflict and foster closer, healthier relationships. Over the course of this three-part series on couple communication, partners and individuals can learn to productively engage with difficult topics. One thing you have the some control over when you two converse is your attitude. Checking your attitude prior to and during the discussion can help you get past difficult moments: but even better, it can keep trouble from starting.

Frustrating Encounter

Kim was not looking forward to having to talk with Lee about some things that needed changing. Every time Kim looked at the clock and saw how much closer it was to time for Lee to come home, Kim’s muscles tightened a bit more. It seems like every time we talk I get interrupted, dismissed, even disrespected and I know it’s going to be too much for me to handle.

It’s natural for us to want to mentally prepare ourselves for a frustrating encounter. We don’t like disappointment. But there’s not much difference between preparing ourselves for an unpleasant experience and paving the way for one.

Think of it this way: Let’s say you have to give an important presentation. Do you think you would be more likely to give a good presentation if just before it started you told yourself, “You’ve got this. You’ve practiced and prepared and know all the talking points inside and out. Take a deep breath and remember to stay focused. You’ve totally got this.”? Or do you think things would go better if just before you started you told yourself, “This is totally going to bomb. You’re going to be asked questions you’re not prepared for, and because these people don’t respect you they’re going to be rude and dismissive.”?

Thinking your way outside the box

Just like it would help to get yourself in a good mental place to give a presentation, it also helps to, instead of psyching yourself out, to psych yourself up for a helpful discussion with your partner.

Remind yourself that you can handle it. Think about a positive interaction you’ve had in the past. Mentally (or physically) list the reasons your relationship is worth it, and tell yourself that learning to talk and listen respectfully is a process that hundreds of couples have learned.

Having a positive attitude prior to talking is not like a magic wand: it won’t instantly undo years of bad communication habits. Creating new, better habits takes a lot of time and effort. And it sometimes takes professional help.

But every legitimate attempt to move toward peace counts.

You’ve totally got this.

*Michael Bean, LMFT is the founder and principal licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach at Marriage and Family Center

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Four Keys to a Sexually Satisfying Relationship

Sexually satisfying relationships lead to overall healthier partnerships. But if the fire has gone out or you find a consistently satisfying love-life difficult to maintain, you’re not alone.

Jordan and Sam hadn’t been comfortable discussing or initiating intimacy for almost a year.

“You never touch me anymore!” Jordan would start.

“You yell at me all day and still expect me to want you?” Sam usually replied.

“Maybe if I felt wanted, I wouldn’t be so angry!”

“Maybe if you weren’t so angry all the time, I’d be interested.”

Jordan and Sam had a version of this same conversation at least once a week. Jordan felt ignored and unwanted. Sam felt attacked and turned off. Neither one knew what to do about the situation, and their conversations just left them feeling stuck and distant.

Jordan and Sam are not real people, but scenes like this are too common. When couples fail to connect sexually, it can worsen other relationship issues, and other relationship issues can make it difficult to have a fulfilling connection. This cycle has been seen in a lot of research, but many couples are able to stop the cycle and get back on the track in the bedroom.

Nurturing a mutually satisfying physical connection with one’s partner can bring couples closer, reduce tension between partners, and reaffirm each other’s commitment to the relationship. But sometimes, like in Sam and Jordan’s case, knowing where to start interrupting the cycle can be the hardest part. Satisfying sexual intimacy depends on mutual respect and consistent effort. Along with possibly seeking help from a licensed professional, consider the following four keys to help create or resurrect a sexually satisfying relationship.

Key Number 1: Communication

It’s almost cliché to talk about when considering relationships, but let’s face it — it’s very hard to get needs met when every serious conversation either blows up into a big fight or shuts down and goes nowhere. This can be very frustrating and is a frequent reason why couples contact a relationship professional. Poor communication can disrupt a couple’s sexual connection or any other aspect of the relationship.

If communication problems are at the heart of your sexual disconnect or other issues in your relationship, you are not likely to make much lasting progress in the bedroom. If this is you, stop reading this and let your partner know you think the two of you could benefit from counseling. Tell them you would like to set an appointment for next week or a few days from now, and that you would really like their support in working through your communication issues.

If your serious discussions do not usually blow up or shut down, then you both might just need to open up more about what you would like sexually—about what you’re comfortable with, and what you would enjoy. You might be surprised how happy your partner will be to agree to your suggestions. You might need to keep asking for it until it becomes an expected part of your mating dance, but that’s normal and expected.

Key Number 2: Mental/Physical Health

Illness makes feeling in the mood difficult. When you don’t feel emotionally or physically healthy, nothing sounds good. Often you just want to be left alone. Or you just want to sleep or lay around doing nothing. Until health issues are dealt with – or at least stabilized if they’re chronic – you probably can’t expect miracles. On the bright side, taking the time to care for an ailing partner demonstrates dedication and can often help rekindle romance once the health issue is off the table.

Key Number 3: Setting the Mood Often

Most people have a list of minimum requirements to get and stay in the mood – some examples might be a certain level of privacy, being reasonably free from pain, self and partner have a certain level of cleanliness, and having available energy. Having regular, fulfilling sex means working toward meeting your and your partner’s minimum requirements at least as often as you want to have sex – maybe even more often because even with the best planning, sometimes there is an interruption, and you might have to try again later.

Key Number 4: Patient Persistence

(keep trying, don’t give up, keep talking with each other, get help if you need it)

This may not sound like fairytale romance, but more often than not fulfilling intimacy requires consistent effort. Don’t get discouraged if attempts to engage with your partner fall through. Just like new partners need time to learn each other’s rhythms, reinvigorating a stagnant love-life after a lull also takes some trial and error. Keep communicating about your needs and desires, initiate as often as needed, and expect occasional road bumps along the way. If necessary, a qualified relationship counselor can help couples navigate these sensitive issues. With ongoing effort and communication over time, many partners can develop a physical relationship that works for them.

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Finding Bliss During COVID

Jean was furious. “It’s like I can’t ask you for help without getting attitude from you. I want you to help me pick up in here and you give me this list of things you’ve done recently to help. It’s infuriating!” Rene didn’t answer out loud, but inside was thinking, “That’s because you don’t ask. Instead, you always just accuse me of not helping.” Rene stood up and picked up an empty glass from the end table, bent down and picked up a pair of shoes, and left the room without saying a word. 

Lockdown was hard anyway, but now they both knew it was going to be even harder because it was going to be another one of those days.

For some, lots of time together can be great for the relationship. Believe it or not, we’ve heard from many couples who have said that the extra time together has brought them closer than they had been for years—or for some, closer than they had ever been. But for other unfortunate couples, all that extra time together can push buttons we never knew we had. If you want to make extra together time better for your relationship, consider some of the ideas below.  

A Note on Personalized Help

Before sharing the other ideas, we wanted to lead with this one. If you read these ideas and think, “Those will never work for us,” or “We’re so far beyond where those things will help,” then don’t despair. There might be something more basic beneath the stress that needs to be worked out first—a power struggle, distrust, or a pattern of disrespect for example. If so, consider contacting an experienced relationship professional for some help getting power, trust, and respect on track, and then revisit these ideas.

One: Be a Better Partner

Being a good partner in a relationship is about connecting helpfully around shared needs. Because of the nature of intimate relationships, it becomes a shared need that each partner has their physical, social, and emotional needs met. If one or both partners is deprived, good partners will talk openly with each other, and, without blame, talk about ways partners’ needs can be met. Ideas will be generated, and a plan will be devised—including a plan to implement and track progress on the plan.

Two: Clarify Rules and Be Willing to Be Held Accountable

(Even If Your Partner Doesn’t Seem to Be)

Rules are a way to make sure people feel respected. For example, you may have heard of the concept of a swear jar. The basic idea is that there is a jar in a location accessible to everyone, where you have to put a dollar if you swear (use words some family members find offensive). 

Often a family will agree that when they get a certain amount of money in the jar they’ll use it to go out to dinner or to do something else fun together. For the swear jar to work, everyone has to agree on the rules—on what words qualify for the penalty for example, and that offenders will actually put the dollar in the jar and leave it there. If people don’t agree on what the rules are, the jar won’t work.

You may not need a swear jar, but let’s use the swear jar as a model for other rules a relationship might need to put in place. Determining who has to help with what household chores and when is a good example of an area that might need some rules. If I’m the one who always does the laundry, for example, and I get home after a hard day’s work to see a mountain of dirty clothes and you sitting and watching the next episode of that show you’re bingeing, I am likely to feel a bit disrespected. This might be a situation where it could be very helpful to have a rule about doing the laundry before watching TV or other leisure activities.

           A swear jar highlights the need in some homes to establish a rule about cussing and to have a way to hold people accountable to each other. You will come up with your own strategies for enforcing the rules you need.

Three: Find Projects to Share

Sharing goals and working together toward them can be a great way to bond. Sometimes when people work side by side on different projects, they feel distant. But by collaborating, partners become teammates who celebrate successes and work through snags together.

Taking up a new hobby or activity offers a change from the day-to-day sameness of quarantine, which has benefits of its own. Then, if we involve loved ones with our interests, we break out of the monotony in our relationships by reorienting around a shared goal.

If adding another project on top of the existing stressors of social distancing seems overwhelming, choose something that relieves some existing stress at the same time. For example, assessing what needs to get done anyway could be a great way to get started. Consider projects like painting a room, organizing the garage, or cooking some new and interesting recipes together. Or try a different approach altogether and pick up a more relaxing activity like crafting or yoga.

Four: Keep Things fun and Interesting

As mentioned above, being cooped up in the house often makes every day look the same. When partners live and work in the same space, sometimes routines aren’t the only things that stagnate. During lockdowns, couples may accidentally neglect their relationship, just by thinking that spending most of their time in the same place counts as quality time. But genuinely investing in the relationship takes more than just living near each other, and that includes sharing fun experiences.

Couples can create opportunities for fun by scheduling a structured “date night,” even if going out isn’t an option. Eat a special meal together, play a card game, or simply have an at-home movie night. Each couple will find different ways to enjoy time together according to their individual interests. The important part is the fun.

What We Need Now, We Need Always

Working to be a good partner, establishing/enforcing rules, sharing interests, and creating fun are all important steps to maintaining healthy relationships at any time. However, when outside stress (like a pandemic, for example) rears its head these things may not come naturally. In fact, as the light begins to appear at the end of the year-long COVID-19 tunnel, now may be the hardest time of all to practice positive relationship building habits. Fortunately, with some concentrated effort, most couples can emerge from lockdown with a closer, happier partnership.

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The Inner Partner

As a younger man I didn’t read all the time. I kept in shape and had fun by playing quite a bit of tennis. That’s why when someone handed me a book called The Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey,* I gobbled it up. It turned out that the book was really about life—it just used tennis as a medium to teach some tools we can all use to improve whatever it is we want to work on.

Including, for some of us, our relationships.

A central teaching presented in The Inner Game of Tennis was the idea of not wasting a perfectly good learning moment. The same is true in a relationship. When something “bad” or unexpected happens between you and your partner, what do you tend to do with that very next moment?

As a young tennis player I would often blow a serve and react to that error by scrunching up my face, shaking my fist, and aloud or silently cursing myself for the rotten serve.

The Inner Game of Tennis taught me instead, to get immediately curious about what just happened. If I would spend the same amount of time and energy that went into cursing myself (or my luck or my doubles partner)—if instead of doing that I would spend that moment calmly and curiously thinking about what just happened, I could figure out where my weight was balanced (too far forward was usually my problem) or how I tossed the ball in preparation for the serve (I tended to toss it high and a bit in front of me) or how I followed through (or didn’t) with my swing.

Too often we focus on all the wrong things when something goes south—including when it goes south in our relationships. Right in that moment when I could have considered things like my timing in bringing up a subject, or my choice of words, or my tone of voice; I instead focus on how hurt I am, or how unfair, unreasonable, or unkind my partner was.

I challenge us both—me writing this and you reading it—to be better stewards of that precious moment when we get barked at or shut down or otherwise get a less-than loving response from our partner. We can feel hurt, unfairly treated, or think about how we can defend or explain ourselves if we want to. We have the freedom to do that. But how much more valuable could that moment be if instead we reflected on what just happened? How much could we possibly learn instead by non-judgmentally thinking about all the things that just lead up to that uncomfortable moment?

Doing this won’t come easily or automatically. Thinking habits are habits too, and they can be hard to change.

But we can start. And if we want to we can continue. And in so doing we can progress toward being a better learner and gradually becoming a more practiced inner partner.

What I’m going to do now is share this with my wife right now. What will your next step be?

*Timothy Gallway subsequently wrote The Inner Game of Golf, The Inner Game of Music (with Barry Green), Inner Skiing and The Inner Game of Work.

Michael Bean is the owner and founder of Marriage and family center. You can read more about him and his practice here >>

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What Are Interventions?

When we say, “interventions,” what do we mean? Before starting, a lot of clients like to know what interventions are like. Some want to know if they will be difficult or painful, but many just want to be able to think about them and

determine whether they would be helpful for their situation. Often this is because they want to be able to predict ahead of time whether the interventions will work. “Have I already tried something similar?” they might ask. Or, “Can I picture it working in my situation?”

Your Real Motives

Asking questions like these before even trying interventions can sometimes get in the way of getting better. This is especially true if you have been feeling very discouraged about your situation. In such cases you might actually be asking such questions to protect yourself from feared disappointment. If you are wondering what interventions might look like, first ask yourself your real reason for wanting to know. If it’s to avoid disappointment, you might need to take a step back from learning about counseling interventions and first work on developing a more positive attitude.

If you are reasonably sure of your motives for wanting to learn about some of the interventions, keep reading. If not, first discuss your fears with your therapist before reading further. If you might be reading these mainly to give yourself reasons not to try, be honest with yourself and face those reasons before you waste a lot of time working toward something you may not want or that you may not believe is possible.

In session Interventions

Thee are two general types of interventions: In-session interventions and between-session interventions. In session interventions are often designed to help you explore a different mental state that could help you face difficult things in your life or relationship.

Some examples of interventions to help you explore a different mental state might be asking you to describe a relaxing or a stressful environment or series of events, asking you to follow mindfulness or relaxation steps, or asking you to imagine or talk through a series of steps you can take to handle an anticipated or recurrent difficult situation.

Between-Session Interventions

If your work with your counselor or coach only helps you feel or function better during sessions it is not likely to improve your life much. Helpful counseling or coaching encourages you to also improve your life between sessions—where it really counts. Between-session interventions are usually designed to get you thinking, feeling, and behaving differently while you are away from your helping professional. An example of between-session interventions might be practicing the mindfulness or relaxation exercises you did in session at home, at work, or in your car.

Another example of a between-session intervention is following through with a task you are learning to face in sessions—such as saying hello to someone or having a conversation you need to have with someone. If such a step is too big to take at first, your therapist will help you start small with something achievable that will help you gain skills and confidence you need to eventually do the kinds of tasks or interactions that will improve your life in the ways you want.

These examples are far from exhaustive, and may be very different from the ones your helping professional will use with you. Your counselor or coach will have a variety of interventions to use with you that will be in line with your particular skills and abilities.

If you are curious about what you are doing, or what you might do in your sessions, just ask. Clients tend to do better when they understand why they are doing what they are doing.

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Couple Communication Issues

“We don’t even try to talk anymore—it always just ends up in a big ugly argument.”

Whether you argue every time you try to talk, or whether

you just don’t even try anymore and just stay uncomfortably silent while privately searing below the surface, a communication problem is a very frequent reason people call us.

What can I do about communication problems in my intimate relationship?

  1. Determine the multiple causes for the communication breakdown.
  2. Address the main causes by strengthening the relationship in key ways.

Are your arguments really about a toothpaste cap or shoes being left on the floor? Obviously that is the subject of the arguments, but what is fueling the argument? Why does it feel like we keep having the same argument no mater what the subject is?

Is it possible that toothpaste caps and socks actually have very little to do with your argument? Could it be that you are really arguing about not feeling cared for? Not feeling respected? Feeling disregarded? Or unloved?

This is why it is important to get professional help when facing ongoing relationship disruption. It may be important to do more than solve a problem you’re having with socks or toothpaste caps. It might even involve more than just learning to talk and listen better. Solving your communication problem might mean addressing and strengthening your relationship’s foundation–the caring, connection, trust, respect, and affinity you have for one another .

In a series of usually between six and twelve sessions an experienced therapist can help you both get talking (and listening) again. Not by being a referee in the battle, but by helping you get your needs met in your relationship and become better referees yourselves.

Has counseling helped you or someone you know overcome a personal issue? What helpful things have you learned about yourself or a relationship you were in by seeing a therapist or counselor?

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Should My Therapist Be Like Me?

A good fit doesn’t mean your therapist is just like you; 
it means they can understand you.

Now and then we get a call from someone asking if any of our therapists, counselors, and coaches have recovered from a specific substance of abuse, or whether we have therapists of a particular race, religion, or sexual orientation. The assumption seems to be that if the they have not walked in the exact same footsteps as the caller, they won’t really be able to understand or help.

Part of being human means that we tend to feel most comfortable around people that seem most like us, and if a person wants a therapist who falls into a specific category in order to feel more comfortable then he/she has that right. After all, for many people, seeing a new helping professional is already an uncomfortable experience. It means sharing some of our most deeply personal challenges with a stranger. So it’s not surprising that people want to choose to work with someone who seems similar to them.

What people may need for therapy to work, however, is not necessarily someone who is similar to them. What they more likely need is a helping professional willing to understand them without judging them, and one who has had experience working with many different people facing many different issues.

To their credit most helping professionals come into the field ready to help people regardless of their background or their particular way of being in this world. We live in a world in which there are black people, white people, Asians, Mexicans, gay people, straight people, Christians, Jews, Muslims, atheists, conservatives, liberals, and many other groups. And none of these groups are immune to personal and relationship struggles. Again, it is understandable that people are more comfortable with people they perceive to be more like themselves. But it is still hard for me to understand why anyone would become a helping professional when he/she is unable or unwilling to work with the variety of people in the community.

At the Marriage and Family Center, we are careful to pre-screen any qualified professional who want to practice with us. We make sure they have had experience with, and will be intelligent and respectful when counseling people of varying backgrounds. That way, if you have religious or other beliefs or practices that are part of your identity, your therapist, counselor, or coach will accept those beliefs as important to you and not try to change you.

Recently someone calling about possibly getting couples counseling at the Marriage and Family Center asked about our readiness to work with gay couples—stating that they had been told by a therapist across town that they did not feel “qualified” to work with gay people. I was sad to hear that. Accredited licensing programs should qualify people to work with people of varying sexual orientations, and in my experience, they do. I wonder if the therapist she had previously called was not so much saying they didn’t feel qualified, but if they were really just expressing that they did not feel comfortable working with gay people.

I don’t believe most people need to find a therapist who is just like them.  At the Marriage and Family Center, you can find what you probably really need—a therapist who accepts you for who you are, and work side by side with you on your own goals for a happier, more fulfilled life.  Start now by calling for an appointment.

For some other considerations when choosing a therapist, you may want to read What to Look for In a Counselor or Therapist

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Fighting Words: Phrases that Cause Contention

You’re discussing something your partner feels strongly about. Suddenly you use that combination of words that makes his/her blood boil. You might have a legitimate point to make, but it’s no good now—the chance your partner will listen and take your point seriously has just dropped to zero. Not because your information is wrong, but because now your partner won’t even look at it. The problem in difficult relationships is not that “he leaves his socks everywhere,” or “she’s constantly complaining,” the problem is how partners manage socks and complaining—it’s what we say and do about it and especially how we say and do it that will often make or break the relationship.

Being more loving means putting things in ways that are less likely to upset your partner. This article starts with a discussion of a few of the words and phrases likely to rile us, along with some suggestions for less volatile replacements. After that, it suggests a way for you and your partner to keep such phrases from pulling you off base.

“Mend your speech a little, lest it may mar your fortunes.”

—William Shakespeare

“You”

As in: You are being so inconsiderate, or You’re making me so mad right now. Telling someone “You are doing this,” or “You are making me feel that” is an accusation, and nobody likes to feel accused; we usually get defensive. If you notice those things going on inside yourself—you’re feeling disregarded, or angry for example—then take responsibility for those feelings by saying “I’m not feeling very considered,” or “I’m feeling really frustrated right now.” Speaking about this a friend said, “My wife got that exactly right after we got married. She said, ‘When I go to bed after you and my side of the bed is not turned down, I start to think maybe you’re mad at me or that you don’t love me.’” My friend told me for the rest of their marriage he turned down her side of the bed first. “Not only that, but for a month I also left a little love note on her pillow.” He and I agreed that if she had tossed some “yous” in there, accusing him of being inconsiderate, it would not have gone so well.

“But”

As in, “That’s a good idea, but…” or “I appreciate it, but…” When we stick our “buts” into something positive we’ve just said, we tend to unsay it. “That’s a good idea, but…” means we don’t really think it’s a good idea. “I appreciate it, but…” means we don’t really appreciate it. It also emphasizes the negative part by putting it last. It’s weird that word order should matter so much, but it does. For example, it feels much better to most people when they hear, “You’re kind of lazy, but I love you,” than it does to hear “I love you, but you’re kind of lazy.” The first sentence leaves most people feeling loved, while the second leaves them feeling unloved and lazy. Instead of negating with a “but,” try augmenting with an “and.” Instead of “You’re a great partner, but you need to stand up to your mom more,” try, “You’re a great partner and I’d love to see you stand up to your mother on this.”

Dismissing words and phrases

As in: “That’s ridiculous” or “That’s B.S.” or “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard.” When someone uses one of these phrases I instantly know they are not only dismissing my idea without looking at any of it’s potential merits, I also feel like they are dismissing me. I suddenly feel insulted and want to defend my sensibility, credibility, or sanity.  Instead of dismissing your partner’s idea when you find yourself disagreeing with it, work hard to look at the merits of it from his or her point of view. List them aloud, and explain why you think those merits are important to him/her. And before you give your concerns about it—if it’s important for you to do so—be careful not to stick that dreaded “but” into the sentence. Give your partner full credit for having a brain in this way, and he/she will much more likely hear your opinions about the subject.

“Why”

As in, “Why are you late?” or “Why didn’t you text me back?” You may simply want information, but asking a Why is usually not a good way to get it. When asked “why” we often feel defensive and try to justify ourselves. Instead of “why,” consider either looking for more information with a “what,” or making a neutral guess about things. For example, instead of “Why are you late?” simply ask, “What happened?” I mean, you don’t know. They may have been mugged or passed a kidney stone on the way home. Instead of “Why didn’t you text me back?” make a neutral guess like, “Did you get swamped after I texted you?”

“If you really loved me you would…”

“ …you would take me on a vacation. …let me get a dog. …have sex with me more often,” and on and on. Feeling unloved because your partner is not doing what you want is a “you problem,” not a “him/her” problem, and confusing that creates tension. If you are truly not getting the love you want, then that needs to be addressed. But it’s not going to get better by accusing him/her of being unloving when he/she doesn’t comply. Whenever you feel tempted to use this phrase, take it as a signal that you might benefit not only from (1) learning to more effectively get your love needs met, and (2) learning to feel more comfortable in a world (and a relationship) in which others do what they want to do, not what you want them to do.

“Why do you always have to…?” or “Why can’t you ever… ?”

As in “Why do yo always have to interrupt me?” or “Why can’t you ever pick your socks up?” Not only do these phrases use the dreaded “You” and the defensiveness-provoking “Why” already discussed, the use of absolutes like “always” and “never” are great ways to raise the hackles. When our partner uses these terms we immediately look for the one exception. Suddenly we’re not talking about her frustration at having been interrupted; now we’re talking about whether the statement is always completely true or not. One idea for replacing absolutes is to fess up to your own feelings at the moment using “I statements.” I statements also help you avoid making accusations. “I felt kind of dismissed and disrespected when you cut me off just now,” or even better, “I will feel much more respected in this conversation if I can finish my sentences” Regarding the socks on the floor example, how about turning a “but” to your advantage? “I know it doesn’t bother you much to have socks lying on the floor, but when you pick them up and they’re not there in the morning I know you’re thinking about me, and I feel loved.”

Unflattering comparisons

As in “Why can’t you be more like my mother and make me breakfast every day?” or “You know, all my previous boyfriends bought me dinner at least once a week.” What is our purpose for telling someone they don’t measure up to someone else in some respect or another? It’s insulting and shaming. When we do this we are actually saying, “Other people are like that. What’s the matter with you?” The solution? Take personal responsibility for your needs. Train yourself not to push your dissatisfaction onto your partner. The reason you are unhappy about something in your relationship is not because your partner is different from someone else. Once again, you yourself are responsible for getting your needs met in your relationship. Your partner is there to help you, but it’s your job. If you haven’t figured out how, get creative. Get some ideas from books, professionals, brainstorm, even ask your partner for help solving your problem. But allow it to be your problem to solve and find a solution that brings you closer together—not insults that push you apart.

Blaming

Saying “This is your fault” or worse, “This is all your fault” is obvious blaming, but more subtle blame can be behind, “We need to talk.” If it feels like blaming, the assumption may be that you are really wanting to say, “We need to talk because you’re doing something that is bothering me. Sit down here and let me spell out how flawed you are.” You may have no such intention, but if you have a habit of unintentionally blaming your partner for your unhappiness, then (1) without intending to you may be subtly conveying that message, and (2) your partner is probably sensitized to it and expecting the blame even when it isn’t there. As with some of the other fighting words above, blaming comes from the belief that your happiness depends on the people around you doing what you want them to do. It doesn’t. It depends on you choosing to do things that help you be happy—including choosing to interact happily with positive and loving people.

What to do if you notice yourself using one or more of these “fighting words.”

Make a commitment to stop using words and phrases that just cause conflict.
Share your commitment with your partner and others.
Discuss the specific words and phrases you want to stop using. Accept your partner’s ideas too.
Bite your tongue before the words are said.
Stop yourself at any point in saying them.
Refuse to make excuses for saying harmful things—if it hurts the relationship, it’s still wrong: even if your partner did something wrong first.
Apologize immediately and back off your point—you’ll have to make it at another time because you’ve already spoiled the moment
Recommit to yourself and your partner to stop the harmful speech.

What to do when your partner uses “fighting words.”

Seek a commitment from your partner to stop using words and phrases that cause conflict
Share with him/her the above steps
Follow the above steps yourself if you or your partner feel you sometimes use “fighting words.”
Say, “When you use that kind of phrase my emotions get riled up and I can’t talk reasonably about the subject anymore. Let’s talk about something else for a while and then we can come back to this.”
Stay present and connected to your partner, just talk about something nice or neutral for a while.
Offer sincere apologies if you were even a little harsh or escalated.
Accept your partner’s apologies and recommitment to stopping fighting words.

For more ideas about reducing arguments, Read this>>